Now Reading
Assistant Pro University

Assistant Pro University

The ridiculous journey of becoming an Assistant Pro.

Erik Most

A memo from Shinnecock Pro Shop to be released to all departments immediately:

FOUND: Course Catalogue to “Assistant Pro University” outside caddyshack. Please pick up at caddy master’s desk.

We are delighted over your interest in Ass. Pro. U! At Ass Pro U, we foster an environment of consistently meeting the needs of the world’s 1%. At Ass Pro U, you will master the following: 

  • Clearly label Club Championship parking spaces, and familiarize yourself with local towing companies when said spaces are improperly occupied 
  • Become adept in medieval calligraphy to properly post Mr. Van Doren’s 103 in the member/guest 
  • Construct and deploy verbal flash-bang grenades to distract members from the recently punched greens 
  • Set correct over/unders on how many practice swings Mrs. Huffington takes before laying sod over her 7th shot. 
  • Properly breakdown Matthew Wolff’s swing and convince members it’s decisively not for them. 

In order to meet some of these lofty goals, our course catalogue has the following options: 

As our foundational course, students will immerse themselves in the world of excessive ass-kissing

Kiss Ass 101 

Course Description: As our foundational course, students will immerse themselves in the world of excessive ass-kissing. From complimenting members on vehicles, to recent scores, swing changes, and clothing decisions, students will learn to create a glowing world of positivity at their respective clubs. 

Lab: “Regripping a Superstroke in under 45 seconds: Eliminating the definitive cause of most 4-putts” 

Bullshitting 307 

Course Description: In this course, students will be equipped with an assistant pro’s most valuable weapon: the ability to think on their feet and spin a seemingly bad situation into a good one. The majority of time in this course will be spent familiarizing oneself with TrackMan, Octogenarian Edition: How to Pick Up the Swing Speed of an Arthritic Slug. 

Supplies: “How to Sell Unnecessary Drivers to Desperate Men” (75th edition) 

Hacks 372 

Course Description: When Mr. Livingston tops his driver two feet on 1, how will you suppress your uproarious laughter? As Mr. McMillan lines up his 4th consecutive 3wood on the par 5 seventh, do you have the internal fortitude to maintain your composure? This class will feature an in-depth look at the mind, motivation, and makeup of the 25 handicapper. 

Required Reading: Rescuing Ethel from 5 Green Mid-Thunderstorm: Theories and Approaches 

This course equips prospective assistant pros to diffuse even the most demanding Beckys and Karens. 

Beckys and Karens 222 

Course Description: How do you delicately explain to your head pro that there’s a woman at the front desk asking to speak with him on account of improper sizing of skirts in the Pro Shop? In what ways can you ensure that Karen’s son receives all his medications every hour on the hour and gets his vegan lunch during summer camp? This course equips prospective assistant pros to diffuse even the most demanding Beckys and Karens. 

Mandatory Essay Prompt: Research and define the lost art of groveling. Describe ways adding this necessary skill to your repertoire can ensure a successful career. 

So fasten up that Baltusrol belt, grab those prestigious ball markers, and shine up those PXGs and join us this fall at Ass Pro U. Upon your arrival on campus, you’ll receive an oversized tour bag with a complimentary tag that you’ll probably keep on your bag for an unreasonable amount of time. Our orientation committee will brief you on which parts of campus are members only, and when the appropriate times are to sneak into the clubhouse and steal some food. Furthermore, upon memorization of member’s account numbers, drinks will be free for the entirety of your stay.

We eagerly anticipate your arrival at Assistant Pro University!

See Also
Does Malcom Gladwell Hate Golf?

With this one podcast, Gladwell irked golfers everywhere

View Comments (4)

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.

© 2020 Random Golf Club. All Rights Reserved.